First there was the “War on Christmas,” then there was the “War on Easter,” and then Wednesday morning’s edition of Fox News’ Red Eye took on the latest edition of “War” on some popular holiday: the Fourth of July.
What constitutes said “War on the Fourth of July”? Well, according to host Greg Gutfeld: the small town of Depoe Bay, Oregon, announced that they will cancel their annual fireworks display out of concern that the pyrotechnics would frighten sea birds roosting nearby; and the state of Massachusetts bans the use of sparklers, those tamer handheld versions of fireworks, because of safety concerns over hand burns. One State Representative denounced the ban as “anti-American.”
Panelist and Fox News reporter Juliet Huddy suggested the Oregonian town “should bring these little birdies to New York and let them roam with our pigeons. And then these little birdies can go back and deal with the fireworks. And everything will be copesthetic.”
“There are scarier things than fireworks,” Gutfeld added. “Should we outlaw thunder? Because dogs hate that.”
“I think it’s good to have fireworks displays every now and then,” said panelist Joe Devito, “just to show nature we’re not kidding around. I was reading that these [particular Oregonian sea] birds compete with bald eagles — so the more that these birds are happy, the more bald eagles suffer. And how horrible is that on Fourth of July?”
“It’s very dry out there, and I understand limiting fireworks because you don’t want to start a fire. But for the birds?” Gutfeld asked.
“If some backwards avian species can’t tolerate good old-fashioned American fireworks, then they should go extinct. We should get rid of them immediately,” joked America’s Future Foundation chairman Kmele Foster, “especially if it makes room for the bald eagles.”
Bill Schulz suggested the Massachusetts sparkler ban was a good thing:
“Don’t get me started on sparklers. You got this Republican Marty Lamb who is saying ‘if we’re going to ban sparklers in Massachusetts, that’s un-American.’ Well, let me tell you who invented sparklers. It was a guy named Callinicos, who was in a Roman-occupied city in Egypt called Heliopolis…. This was in 670 A.D. I’ll tell you two things: he definitely wasn’t a Christian, probably a sodomite. One thing he wasn’t was American. Sparklers are the most un-American thing since fireworks, invented by the Chinese a thousand years before we existed.”
Watch the segment below, via Fox News: